You were here since I can remember and it seems like you are going to stay, although, to be sincere I am not such a huge fan of yours. I don’t like at all the feeling of powerlessness that you put in me and for sure I don’t like the million thoughts per second that you put in my mind. In fact I hate it! I hate each time you show up because you remember me about how fragile and sensitive I am. This is a fact; like it or not, it’s true.

When I was little I was terrified of darkness and especially terrified of sleeping alone in the darkness; I just couldn’t deal with this and for some reason you showed each time with no exception showing me how week I am. When I grew up, guess what? I still hated the dark rooms when I was alone. I am more relaxed now, but not fully…you are still here; I am stuck with you! This example is just one, I could continue like forever but I guess you got my point. So what’s your problem?

I am not the only one who feels like this and for sure I am not the only one that feels fear and hates this feeling. I know a tone of people who fear a lot of things or situations and I know that it’s not easy to live with fear, especially when you hear from all parts that you shouldn’t fear anything, as if it was so simple to do. I have friends who fear the future, I have friends who fear that the past will come back to haunt them, I know people who fear aging, people who fear bugs, people who fear that they are not enough, people who fear disease, people who fear other people, people who fear driving a car, people who fear…a lot of things, you name it and I can show you at least one person who fits in. Myself, well…I fear a lot of things and I met you close enough to know that you are powerful and sometimes debilitating; you managed to knock me up a lot of times in a way that I never thought it was possible and you managed to twist my mind in just a few seconds. You are very stubborn!

A few years ago I realized that you exist, until then I just felt you and I took it as it was without thinking too much. I started searching answers, I started reading books and watching video’s about stuff like: “how to not fear … (different things)?; I was ambitious but I never managed to succeed and you always came back, always!  I tried to not pay attention to you, I tried to put you down, I hated you with all my heart and my soul and wanted you gone in seconds if that was possible.

Now I smile! 😀 …you are still here and you still give me hard times, sometimes, but I think that now I get you and I understand you much more than I ever did. I don’t even believe that I say this, but I think that you want my ultimate good; I think you are trying to protect me with all your force. It took me so much to realize that you are that part in me that wants safety and belonging, that part in me that hates uncertainty and unknowingness, that part in me that hates surprises, that part in me that wants to be in control, that part in me that is afraid to suffer, because it once did and it didn’t liked it at all.

Thank you for protecting me and for showing me when something needs my attention, thank you for showing me the things that need my presence and thank you for helping me to see that I have still aspects inside of me that need healing and love. Thank you!

I now understand that you work based on memories, conscious or unconscious and you are just trying to avoid situations that in the past brought me no good.  In the same time I now realize that if I don’t ignore you, but instead I look you in the eyes, I might see that there is nothing to be afraid of, or I might understand the root cause of a specific fear. When a human being fully understands something, the fear of that specific thing simply vanishes for good.

I have a proposal to make: stay with me and take my hand, because I know accept you as a valid part of me and I won’t put you under my carpet anymore; but we will not live our live based on just you, we are going to live life based on all parts of me…including you.

And you know what? I have a lot of parts in me that trust life and God and live in the moment; you should meet them! 😀

Our answer might be: integration and presence!

I am glad we talked and made peace! 😀

 

 

 

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